Adventures in Self-Reflection

Since my previous post went live, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback. A lot of it good, some of critical, and it has caused me to do something. Something drastic.

It’s caused me to reflect.

Upon myself.

Oh jeez.
You see, I wrote the previous post four or five years ago, and although it’s surprising to think how much one can change in that amount of time, I realize that I have changed, just a bit. A couple of my friends that didn’t know me back then have asked me who’s leg I was trying to pull when talking about the type of guy I liked. “You don’t like macho guys!” they’d say to me. “Why are you making it seem like that’s the only kind of guy you’d like to date? You silly goose.”

And they’re right. I am the silliest of all the gooses.

But when I wrote that post then, that’s how I felt. So why do I feel so differently now?

As I said previously, I didn’t date a lot in college. This was due to a lot of reasons, but the chief reason was my own lack of self-esteem. If nothing else, moving abroad really helped me gain a lot of self-esteem and confidence. Seriously, after learning how to transfer money from your Japanese bank to your American bank entirely in Japanese, you feel like you can do anything.
This, combined with the fact I was a non-Japanese girl in a country that is mostly populated by Japanese, I ended up receiving a lot of attention.

Sometimes from guys.

And, I cannot stress this enough, I didn’t know what to do.

I’d never really been on a date before. I didn’t have a lot of experience interacting with guys in that kind of setting. I knew I liked guys, but I’ve never really dealt with them liking me back. I was basically ten years behind all my friends when it came to this kind of thing. I was like a super awkward middle school girl, except I was in my early 20’s. And super awkward.

I’m still super awkward. I’ve got to grow out of that eventually, right?


So as my inexperienced self flailed and flopped around the new and exciting world of dating, I decided to pursue the type of guy I thought I should be attracted to. Because, for some reason, I had this weird belief of what kind of guy I specifically should and shouldn’t be attracted to, despite having little to no experience dating before. And surely, macho tough guys were the pinnacle of manliness, and that’s who I was supposed to be attracted to, right?

I’m not entirely sure why I thought this way. Maybe it was the kind of people I hung out with, maybe it was the media I consumed, maybe I was just close-minded and ignorant. Who knows.

Weirdly enough, this didn’t turn out many positive results, and I couldn’t really figure out why. My first ‘boyfriend’ lasted all of three months. But I kept trying. Surely there was some kind of code I needed to crack, and I’d get it eventually. I told myself that Japanese guys were different, and the dating culture was different, and I just need to figure it out. Practice makes perfect, right? I’d get the hang out this eventually.

After a while, I came to the realization that maybe macho guys weren’t my thing, and maybe I should try something different. Because there are many different there are different types of guys in Japan, not just macho guys or flashy guys. So I tried dating different ‘types’ of guys, hoping something would click. And that’s where the previous post came in.

As the years went by, and I managed to cram as many awkward teenager moments into my adult life as I could, I learned stuff.

Stuff about myself.

I learned that I didn’t have a type that I was attracted to. I either liked a someone or I didn’t. I either thought they were super cute or I didn’t. They either made me feel feelings, or they didn’t. Maybe they were macho, sensitive, feminine, nerdy, sporty, fashionable, or whatever. I could date one guy that I really liked, and the later date another guy that looked completely different and had different interests than the previous guy, and I could like them just as much. And maybe they hit all the right buttons, but turned out to be a huge jerk, or boring, or even liked Twilight, and I’d lose interest. And maybe, just maybe, I should stop pursuing guys purely for superficial reasons.

Most importantly, I learned that the ‘right’ kind of guy for me is one who treats me and others around them well, someone who I feel comfortable with and who feels comfortable around me. Someone who makes me happy.

I’m not exactly sure why I’m writing this post, and I don’t pretend to act like I’ve got everything covered, because every time I meet a guy I like, I still feel like a befuddled teenage girl who has no clue what she’s doing. I just have to hope the guy finds that charming, for whatever reason. Because at this point in my life, I’m 30 years old and I feel like I just now figured out how to talk to boys.

Fortunately, I seem to have found a guy that actually thinks I’m just as neat as I think he is, and I will try my best to not ruin things by committing a felony.



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